


think i could try this once again

by freyafrida



Category: Midnighters - Scott Westerfeld
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-12
Updated: 2018-04-12
Packaged: 2019-04-21 21:22:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14293734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/freyafrida/pseuds/freyafrida
Summary: The actual moment of touching Jonathan was like having a tornado blown through her head - but it's like it blew away some of the crap in there, made room for her to breathe. Melissa reconsiders touching.





	think i could try this once again

**Author's Note:**

> title from "sister janet" by tori amos.

For the first time in her life, Melissa is woken up by knocking on her bedroom door.

"Melissa, honey, you're going to be late," Mom says. Her voice is absent and distracted, the way it's been for the past ten or so years. Melissa's programmed her parents to basically leave her alone, except in the case of emergencies. She must really be cutting it close if their parental instincts have overridden her mindcasting.

And - yeah, wow, her clock is reading 7:30 AM. She usually wakes up _hours_ before now. Melissa's never needed an alarm - usually she's jerked out of sleep by the mind noise of Bixby waking up, the morning shift people freaking out over their clothes, their kids, their commute. Did she really sleep through the whole night?

Melissa shuts her eyes, feeling fragments of her dream coming back to her. She'd been dreaming, that's right - of playing basketball, going downtown with Julio after school. Where is Julio now, anyway? She's lost touch with so many people since coming to Bixby, ever since Mom left.

God. Right. That wasn't really a dream, what she's remembering now. She'd been reliving Flyboy's childhood trauma again.

Melissa doesn't want to be inside _anyone's_ head, but if she really had to choose, she would not have chosen Jonathan. His acrobat taste has always been a little too bouncy for her, his thoughts all over the place, rattling around her head like a thousand little ping-pong balls.

But still...she knows things about him, now, things she never bothered to ask. She knows now how he sees the angles of his flight, knows the pure pleasure of being weightless. She knows about the vague sense of anxiety that he's running away from something that will catch him one day.

She knows too much. She doesn't _care_ that his dad is never around, or that his mom ran off when he was twelve. She doesn't care that flying is the only time he feels alive, that Jessica is the first person to look at him like he's worth something and that's why he might love her.

She doesn't care. She doesn't.

    ~

In the cafeteria, she folds into herself and stares into space, as usual. Around her, she can feel the ebb and flow of all the daylight emotion - petty little confrontations that have been building all day finally exploding, daylighters bemoaning the crappy cafeteria lunch (what did they expect, seriously), a few kids quietly suffering the humiliation of eating alone.

Every now and then her eyes drift back towards the table, checking on her friends. Jonathan is inhaling his food, as usual. He started out with three sandwiches, and twenty minutes into lunch, two of them are already gone. Rex is picking at his cafeteria lunch, putting his plastic fork down every few seconds to defend himself against Dess's snarky jokes.

Jessica is leaning her chin on her hand, laughing at something Dess said. God, she's pretty. She's pretty even at midnight, with her hair electrified from flame-bringing, when she's sweaty from the exertion of flying. Melissa can't wait to see her at midnight, take her somewhere high up and kiss her, run her tongue against Jess's lips and -

Melissa recoils from the thoughts, digging her fingers into her palms, trying to come back to herself. It's hard to separate Flyboy's thoughts from her own, still.

She nearly gags on the knowledge. She never wanted this - this _intimacy_ with him. They're not close. They're not supposed to be close.

It's funny, though, that she feels...not as crappy, lately. Yeah, the actual moment of touching Jonathan was like having a tornado blown through her head - but it's like it blew away some of the crap in there, made room for her to breathe. She's actually managing to sleep through the night these days, not getting woken up by other people's nightmares. It almost makes her want to try it again, see if she can blast a few more years of cosmic angst out.

Of course, she's also made Jonathan's life suck nearly as much as hers, now. He can't forget what he felt inside her, and now he pities her.

Rex wouldn't pity her, probably. He knows her too well for that. And he always wanted to know more about mindcasting, how it works - or he did until he got preoccupied with the mystery of the flame-bringer.

Speaking of the flame-bringer, there's also the little matter of the voice Melissa had heard last week. The daylight mind that's out there, looking for Jessica. She still hasn't told Rex about it, and - look, she doesn't feel guilty about keeping this to herself. If she had told them as soon as she heard it, all it would do is freak everyone out - Jessica would be even more chicken about leaving the house than she already is - Rex would make them all spend every midnight together and patrol or something - so really, she's doing them a favor. She _is_. They're lucky they don't have to know what she knows, don't have to know what kind of messed-up stuff is out there.

But they'll have to do something about it eventually. Maybe if she finds the voice again, figures out what it actually is. She thinks she might be able to do it, if she can get her head a little clearer. Melissa's tolerance of the flame-bringer isn't the highest, but that doesn't mean she wants Jessica to end up kidnapped and dumped in a ditch, or whatever that voice plans to do to her.

But Rex...touching Rex might not be so bad. She's done it once before, anyway. It might be - interesting - to do it again. It might, like, bring them closer or whatever. The idea of being closer to Rex doesn't entirely bother her.

The thought makes her blush just a little, and she ducks her head. Nobody notices - Jonathan and Jessica are quietly talking about something - Melissa doesn't care enough to eavesdrop, psychically or otherwise (she doesn't care, she doesn't) - Dess is doing homework for a class she deems of less importance than math.

"Hey, are you gonna eat that?" she asks, reaching for the slightly-squashed cafeteria brownie on Rex's tray without looking up.

Rex swats her hand away. " _Yes_ , you food thief."

Something old and sad claws at Melissa's insides. Dess didn't even _think_ about it - didn't even notice how close she was to touching Rex's skin, how she could've brushed his hand or his arm when she was trying to grab the brownie. Rex didn't think about it, either - he just reached out and touched Dess like it was nothing.

When he's with Melissa, Rex is careful. He moves slowly, always sure never to get too close. It's always on his mind, the space between them. He watches himself with her in a way that he never does with Dess, with Jess, even with Flyboy. He is her oldest friend - she knows him better than any of the others ever will - but there is a part of him she can never have. Part of her she can never give.

She feels Jonathan's eyes on her. He knows what she's feeling. He must have seen it inside her head. His insipid pity creeps into her mind again - pity that Melissa will never know touch or love, while he gets to hold his girlfriend's hand every night. Melissa wants to spit the taste of it back in his face.

She turns away for the rest of the period, watches cars pass slowly by on the street outside.

Rex is at her side when the bell rings, as always. "Come on," he says. He gently takes her arm, protected by her long sleeves. He always does this, watches for space in the crowds of people when they have to leave the cafeteria.

It's so _annoying_. Freaking bossy seer. Melissa yanks herself out of his grasp. "Jesus, Rex, back off."

The others are waiting for them, and she feels their shock at her words. Jonathan and Jessica exchange glances. Dess's eyebrows go up.

A spike of hurt goes through Rex, even though his face stays calm. Something in Melissa instinctively wants to touch him, but that's an instinct she's had to suppress ever since she was born, so she shoves her hands into her jacket pockets instead.

She wants to tell him that she didn't mean that, wants to explain everything and tell Rex, _I didn't want it to be with him._ But the words are too corny to say out loud, especially with the other three gawking at them. Besides, if she says she has leftover Flyboy thoughts rattling around in her head, Rex might actually explode with jealousy.

They leave the cafeteria in silence, everyone going their separate ways. Melissa feels the clouds of confusion and curiosity around the others slowly trail away, until they're out of sight and taste, and it's just her and Rex.

Rex is walking a little too fast, actually using the full length of his legs. He never does this; he always walks slowly enough for her to keep up. He's pissed and he's being passive-aggressive about it. Melissa rolls her eyes, then jogs a little to catch up with him.

"Hey," she says. "Slow down."

He does, but he doesn't look at her, sour betrayal radiating from him. Melissa sighs.

"I didn't mean that back there," she says. "It's -"

"I know," he says sharply. Then, he hitches his shoulders a little and sighs. "Sorry. I know."

"I was thinking," she starts, feeling a little awkward. "You know how you wanted to know more about mindcasting?"

"Sure," he says. His irritation is already melting away at the idea of research and knowledge. Melissa smothers a smile. Rex is so wonderfully predictable.

"What if we touched again?"

His eyes widen, magnified by his glasses. They're such a clear, pure blue - not the same kind of blue as the secret hour. The moon leaches the color from his eyes the way that it does everything else, and they just don't look the same. Melissa loves midnight, but there are a few things about the daylight world she doesn't mind.

"I just think it might help," she says quickly, before he starts getting sappy. Or maybe before _she_ does. "You know, with all the weird-ass stuff that's been happening lately. You might be able to, you know, figure out...stuff."

It's the least eloquent proposal in the history of time, but Rex smiles, slow and sweet. "I'd like that, Cowgirl."

    ~

In the dream, she's flying.

Jessica's hand is warm in hers, and they land softly on the Mobil Building. They sit close together, legs dangling into the air, arms twined together. They're finally alone, and Melissa leans in to kiss her.

And then it's not Jessica, it's Rex - his mouth soft and warm under hers. Jonathan's sense memories swirl together with Melissa's dream, tell her how they're so close that Rex's hair might tickle her face, how she might touch her tongue to his lips to part them, and her imagination fills in the rest. Rex kisses her back, finally touches her, his hand coming up to cup her face, and this - suddenly, Melissa knows this has all she has ever wanted.

Melissa wakes up, feeling annoyed and embarrassed and also strangely warm. A little squirmy, like there are worms in her stomach. Or butterflies? Are these stomach butterflies? Is _this_ what people are talking about when they say that?

She touches a hand to her mouth and thinks, _Maybe one day_.


End file.
